Real Life and The Movies

Every once in a while I have to unstring my bow and do something just for the fun of it. This is it for May.

Why can't my life be more like the movies,
With a script and a plan and a plot,
And beautiful people who're glamorous and groovy
And drive fancy cars and big yachts?

They know the ending before the beginning,
While I'm mostly up in the air
As to what's going on, if I'm losing or winning,
Or if anyone else even cares.

I own a Dodge Neon, not a beemer or caddie,
And I've never had an affair.
For all of the money I've paid to my dentist
My teeth are nowhere pretty as theirs.

They walk through the picture to sweet background music
As they go on a jaunt or a cruise.
The only sound I ever hear when I'm walking
Is from gum that has stuck to my shoes.

Their waists are so thin you'd think they eat lettuce,
While I lose the battle of bulge.
They expertly shoot Uzi's and Colts and Berettas,
While I generally feel like a cludge.

If I shot a gun I'd just shoot off my toe,
Or my foot or something far worse;
And I'd probably have some ugly old so-and-so
Instead of Gwyneth or Renee for a nurse.

Every problem they have is resolved in a minute,
Or at least by the end of the show,
While I look at my problem and know I can't win it
Until hell is all covered with snow.

In the movies their computers always boot in a flash
And they know all the passwords they need.
I have so many passwords I can't remember them all,
Just the effort makes my brain start to bleed.

In the movies they shoot a scene over and over
Until they get it just so.
But I only get one chance, and moreover,
I have to do it with only nine toes!